You may notice changes on my blog here at vanessareece.com but those changes go far beyond what you see here. The changes are actually happening in my life.
I’ve come to a lot of conclusions over the past few months and the last conclusion was that I’ve pampered to other people way too much. I’ve tried to please certain people way too much. I looked up to them way too much. Guess what – none of them deserved it.
I needed to stop kissing some people’s butts and brake away. One of those butts I kissed for way too long and let me tell you – the possibilities that have presented themselves to me since said butt kissing ceased have been great. But then I suppose it is what you deem as great possibilities. Some would say I’m taking a step down from the glitz. I say I’ve realized there is more to my life than money and pleasing other people in order to be accepted because I’m fat!
Since my conversation with Debra Mazda and my growing unease with the way my weight is physically taking its toll on my frame I’ve decided to step up my exercise and remove some lbs and also kick some bad habits. I AM STILL AGAINST DIETS. I feel I’ve just been making ‘majority’ of men happy by staying fat. I think the adoration has made me complacent and lazy.
I still believe we should accept all – fat or thin and ACCEPT when people are happy being the weight they are. But it struck me with the messages I receive in my inbox – some teenager somewhere thinks that being over 200lbs is o.k. and they too can be glamorous. No one says you can’t be glamorous – you just can’t really be healthy. It’s not o.k. – most of us are not healthy – Let’s be honest and stop BS-ing ourselves; if you’re wheezing, or you’re waddling down the road from A – B that is not healthy. You know it – I know it.
As plus-models we are faced with a huge dilemma – We are paid to be fat. We get gigs because we’re fat. Or if you’re an adult model you get members from being fat. Yes, that is the long and the short of it.
I know for a fact I will not get any work from my agency if I lose a dramatic amount of weight. I accept that and I’m sorry but getting a nice gig worth a grand is not worth me feeling like this at age 34.
I have always maintained I don’t want to be really, really old. I want to enjoy life – but at this size – I’m not. I’m really not anymore. We all die – one of my most famous sayings. But if I can have my 30′s and 40′s and even 50′s feeling good. I’d like that better than feeling like I do now.
I feel faint, I have hot and cold flushes, I ache like a you-know-what. I’m 34 and I feel much, much older.
I’m TIRED!
O.k. I’ll be stoned on the plus-size mountain – bring it! Please know that this is not a dig at my fellow fat sisters – this isn’t about you really, this is about me. But if you feel a tinge of anything maybe you need to analyse why?
I think many plus-size women build this reserve of stubbornness (as I have done) or maybe they don’t feel like shit or struggle to walk or breath? I’m happy for them and I’m sure as hell not going to preach because I know how it annoying it is. No one wants to change if they feel they’re being told to. Plus – why change when men are telling you, you’re so sexy as a fat person? – Because we should not look for validation from others all the time. Validation should not be needed when we are doing something that enhances our well being and knowledge of who we are.
I had to come to this point on my own. I knew there was no changing it.
Some models may bathe themselves in fan attention and feel that will be enough to keep them going. Fans are wonderful – but they should never be the soul justification for who you are and what you do.
Possibly you have a lovely hubbie or boyfriend who adores you and accepts you fat – well no need to change? I think there is every reason. If he accepts you for you, then he should support your journey to a healthier weight. No diets – just better eating and exercise. You will get to a weight that is better for your body.
I used to believe I was healthy because I didn’t feel any side effects from being over 200lbs. But the last four months I’ve really felt it. I hurt! I hurt to the point I’ve cried.
FACT: Most plus-models I know at some point have had respiratory problems due to their weight.
FACT: Most plus-models I know at some point have been on diets hoping to reduce their weight.
FACT: Most plus-models I know have complained about their weight being a problem but don’t want to lose too much in case they lose their fan base.
Debra Mazda has saved my life. A dramatic claim but actually I ignored this lady for several months because I didn’t want to admit I was wrong and what she was saying was right.
Only a small percentage of fat people can say they are fat due to anything but not eating right and not exercising on a daily basis.
Once I stopped doing my Bikram Yoga and consistent power walking each day I put a lot of weight on. She had the answer I didn’t want to hear.
I can run around all day but if I’m not eating breakfast and then eating past 9pm a high carb meal – then I would not expect to be anything other than fat. If I don’t actually exercise and sweat on a daily basis what do I expect?
There was a time I was comfortable and it’s not really about looking a certain way – but I think you radiate your feelings and I feel horrible for the most part. I want to keep the lovely curves, but I need to tone, lose some lbs and strengthen my core. I am very weak right now.
My check-up was fine at the Docs but of course the weight came into conversation. I have ignored him every time he’s said anything about it – but now I know – he’s not foolin’.
Debra Mazda has also eased my worries about guilt. In my recent show with her she told me not to stress out about the slip of a take out. The reasoning was simple – you just make the next day better – burn it off and plan your nutritious meals better.
Debra says above all else the road to a healthier you is ‘A LIFE STYLE CHANGE’
I decided to make some changes before I even tackle food or consistent exercise.
- I GAVE UP SMOKING
- I GAVE UP FIZZY/SODA DRINKS
- I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY HOME AND ESPECIALLY MY KITCHEN AGAIN
- I OFFICIALLY MOVED BACK TO THE COUNTRY.
- I’VE ACTIVELY SET UP MY NEW BUSINESS AND LOOKING FOR A PART TIME JOB (I AM SLOWLY WINDING DOWN MY OLD LIFE TO REPLACE IT WITH A NEW ONE)
- I HAVE MY SON HOME PERMANENTLY. (YES THAT WAS LAST MINUTE BUT I’LL EXPLAIN MORE SOON)
- I HAVE WEEKLY MEETINGS WITH MY BUSINESS MANAGER (WHO HAS BECOME MY FINANCIAL COUNCELLOR)
Those seven initial steps are the emotional things I needed to do before I even tackled finding a nutritious food plan or regular exercise.
I WANT TO BE FREE
Vanessa Reece
Wow Vanessa! I see you are making such drastic and I bet very much needed changes in your life! I commend you for taking these steps. One thing that really stood out for me was you realizing that self-acceptance is not equal to staying complacent. To change (i.e lose weight, stop smoking, etc.), you have to first acknowledge and accept where you are now. Then have a vision for where you want to go and start moving in that direction. Don’t forget to give yourself room to be UNcomfortable as you go on this journey….
Go Vanessa! I’m rootin’ for ya!
Thank you, Kimmoy.
I made a boo boo – I wrote six steps instead of seven – but you caught my drift.
Thanks for the support.
I notice an eerie silence when I put this up – though people have contacted me about it. I don’t think they want to be too vocal about agreeing with me – but in time I hope that will change.
I will be revisiting this subject over and over in this blog as time goes on.
Thanks again, Kimmoy!
V x
Chick, i always say just do you! Too many people try and pressure others into being the way they are – the only way we can ever be happy, no matter our size or age or race or sex, is when we’re being true to what we really want and need and believe. I’m in the process of trying to drop 10 kilos, my body unfortunately cannot handle my current weight and my blood pressure has spiked dangerously high. It really, really hurt realising that and I’ve fallen off the wagon a number of times on the journey LOL! Today included, but I’m working out and staying positive and I know I’ll reach a point again where my body is happy with the curves again
Great words Normonde.
I’ve actually now lost weight without even thinking about it. I’m not beating myself up if I have a day of eating sin.
I think that’s the trick. Just make the next day a good day.
Good luck with your journey. V x
Vanessa,
I wish you the best for this. My wife struggles with her weight. She is overcoming it by having fun by not dieting. She started trotting (not jogging yet), eating right and drinking a TON of water. We don’t know how much weight she has lost, but we do know that we have to buy new, smaller clothes every month.:D
One of the things that has helped her is a good, close support group. They make her feel safe and she trusts them which is important when you change yourself. I hope you have one as well. One of the things that helped her reach out to this group was this book: Who’s got your back? by Keith Ferrazzi (http://www.amazon.com/Whos-Your-Back-Relationships-Success/dp/0385521332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242877475&sr=1-1).
It’s a good motivator for us. He was just here in Los Angeles speaking about how we need to move from a transactional (what can you do for me) relationships to more trust-based, long term partnerships. I hope you stay the course and get healthy-er.
Joel
Vanessa,
wow is all I can say. What you wrote that hit me the hardest was “As plus-models we are faced with a huge dilemma – We are paid to be fat. We get gigs because we’re fat.” I never thought of it like that but totally agree with you that your health is more important than anything. Congratulations on beginning your journey! You will make it I and inspire others at the same time.
Honey, I commend you as well. I am a plus size woman, who has battled with her weight all of her life. It has taken me a number of years and steps to begin the journey of self love. The first thing that I had to realize was that no matter how many “diets” (I hate that word) I went on, I would NEVER be a size 2…which I thought was just the perfect size for so long. I am a big gal, I have curves, I am tall, I have big feet (sz 11…when I was younger and so self conscious about my feet, my mother used to tell me that if I had smaller feet I would walke like John Wayne, all lurced forward and tryin not to fall lol). I am not meant to be a size 2 or 4 or even a size 8. As a teenager I developed a horrible eating disorder that took me a LONG time to heal from, phsycally as well as mentally. The smallest I ever was was a size 8, and I looked like death on a stick. Im not meant to be that way…I can accept that now.
And the weight that I am now, well Im not meant to be this weight either. I can tell that, because of the pain that I feel, the fatigue, the back problems, sleeping problems. I no longer want the be the perfect waif, I no longer want to have a “celebrity” body, I only want to be healthy, and if I am healthy and FEEL GOOD, then my size no longer matters. Its a long road of healing, to find self love, and realize that what I need is to find that happy balance, to feel good because I am healthy, not because I LOOK a certain way. Thanks for your honest words, doll, they mean alot. At 32, I dont want to feel this way forever.
Blessings on your journey!